The thing about the girl in question

It's costing almost six hundred dollars to get my car fixed. And thus, I am in an awful, awful, mood. So I'm going to share a bunch of things about myself that I wouldn't probably normally, because my awful mood has put my head in such a wierd place.

1. I'm not really a very open person. I have, however, figured out how to seem open, to share the things that don't freak me out, becaue I don't even want people to see how closed off I am, because that would be sharing a big part of myself. And I think that it's kind of a manipulative thing to do, and I am sorry about it. It's not that I haven't shared stuff here, even stuff that's kind of big in my life, it's just that there's a whole lot of big stuff I hold back.

2. I fidget, all the time. I have a huge problem sitting perfectly still. I have all this little random stuff sitting in front of my computer that I play with while I'm sitting here. My exboyfriend called them my fidgeters, and I loved that, because I knew he really saw me and got me, and it's one of the wierd things I miss about him.

3. I loved him, in a huge, huge way, but only as a friend, no matter how much I wanted to, I could never manage to fall in love with him, even though he was lovely and wonderful and I fooled myself for a while. But he did really see me, and get me, and he figured it out, and I hurt him, and I am so, so sorry for that, because I never meant to. And if he hadn't figured it out, and we could have worked it out, I think I would have stayed with him forever, because I was happy. And I know that's kind of sad, and very the sound of settling (I love that song, by the way. Do you like Death Cab for Cutie, Annette? I love them almost as much as I love The Killers) but I don't think it would have been that awful.

4. I grind my teeth and clench my jaw and my hands in my sleep. I have TMJ from the teeth grinding and I try to get really calm before I fall asleep so I don't do the clenching, but my jaw and my hands are basically always sore in the mornings because I get so stressed out.

5. I have OCD, though I don't have it nearly as badly as so many people, which I'm very grateful for. I think it's the reason I can get so hyperfocused on things. Like, I get obsessed with a different tv show every month and it will be almost the only thing I watch (there are shows I watch every new episode whether I'm obsessed or not). This month it's 24, last month was Everwood, the months before kind of went back and forth between 24 and Prison Break, sometime in the fall it was Grey's Anatomy. I think at this point I've watched every episode of 24 about a hundred and twenty times, and wierdly I don't get tired of it.

6. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up ten years in the future, to see if I ever get it together and get the husband and the house and the kids (if I can only have one, I'll take the kids, if you're reading this fate) because most of the time I don't really believe that it's ever going to work out for me, and I think just seeing for a minute that it did would be enough.

7. I have a pretty bad relationship with my dad, though we certainly have good moments. I don't want people to know we have a bad relationship, though, because I don't want anybody to think badly of him. I'm trying to work on things with him, but I really don't know that that's ever going to work out.

8. I'm in love with this guy, and I think he might know, even though we haven't ever and probably never will, talk about it, because we both know it would be a terrible, terrible thing. It's all very complicated, and I pretty much end up heartbroken no matter what happens and I hate it. And I really can't say more on that subject here in public because that would ruin the secretness of it. I'd like to stop having the complicated human emotions, now, okay thanks?

So now, you know almost all my secrets, and I've made myself all vulnerable and freaked myself out, but I'm giving myself a goldstar for all the sharing. And hey, I promised to try to not be boring this week, and I think that this is an excellent start, because while it feels kind of soul crushingly sad to me, it's not boring.