Shallow

Today I need to talk about my hair. See, I've been growing it out for almost a year now (I last got it cut in February or March, I can't remember). It's longer now than it's been since I was 15. And I'm really, really loving it. I love just being able to throw it in a ponytail when I'm at home working on stuff. I love that after years of saying I was going to grow it out I actually have. I love the way it looks. Seeing it there, around my shoulders, when I catch my reflection during the day makes me smile. Seeing people I haven't seen in a year and having them say, your hair is getting so long, makes me happy for the rest of the day. I've just really, really been enjoying my hair.

But today my hair doesn't look like my hair. It looks really, really nice, it looks better than my hair actually. I really like it. I just can't figure out what I did any differently, to be blessed with like, an exceptionally good hair day.

And there's not an actual point to any of this. I just wanted to talk about my hair. So if you read all of my boring ramblings, gold star for you!

It only happens once a year

At least, that's what Starbucks tells me. I love the Christmas season. I'm the freak who loves to be in the mall in December because seeing the stores all Christmasy makes me happy. I love the decorations. (I have Christmas lights up in my room I never take down. I don't call them Christmas lights and pretend it's not odd.) I love the songs. (Thank you, Sirius Satelite radio and your 24/7 Christmas station.) And I love, love, love the presents.

It's not even just the getting for me (and I say that as a deeply shallow, fairly self absorbed person). I love giving presents. I love shopping for people. Walking around, figuring out the perfect thing. I love the thought that other people are out there thinking the same things about me. Like, right now I have some cards in the mail. Just little cards. And I'm like, giddy waiting for them to get there. Hoping to brighten somebody's day. Like, there's a little piece of me, and a little bit of love from me, that's out there in the universe, traveling off to somebody else.

And that thought? Makes me so, so happy.

Play

I've been thinking alot about playing lately, artistically/creatively. When I was in high school, I loved art class, and I used to paint all the time. And when I painted I was very abstract, it was what I was drawn too. I haven't really painted in a few years, I never made like, a conscious choice to stop, it just sort of happened. And when I scrapbook, I'm very nonabstract, very linear. Everything lined up straight. I'm going to try to break out of that some. I did a page about it, actually (you can see it here: http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/pg.asp?gallery=1&cmd=display&layout_id=708244 if you want). The page is hanging on my chalk board in my scrap area now to inspire me, to remind me of my almost new year's resolution.

Shopaholic

So I think it's possible I might think about shopping a bit too much. And I say this because last night (well, this morning really, I was up late hanging out with my family so I didn't go to bed until after 1) I had a dream about shopping at amillionlittlethings.com. At least Jill will be proud.

One Song Glory

I saw Rent. After waiting what feels like forever (and is, in reality, over a year) for the movie to come out, today was the day. I always fear, when I anticipate something this much, that it can't live up to the hype. There's also always a fear when you love some material, of having it turned into a movie and the whole thing going wrong. But it was perfect. Heartbreaking, beautiful, perfect.

I will try to fix you

I've started this post it feels like a hundred times since Friday. I've not been really good at being very open here, at sharing really personal details of my life, in large part because that's just not something I've ever really been good at. I'm not an open person. I'm not a sharer. But this time I need to share.

There was a boy. And until a few days ago he was my boy. And I loved him, as much as I'm capable. I never wrote about him here because I feared in some way jinxing it, which just seems silly now. I don't know what to say really, beyond we were together for a long time and now we're not. I always thought that the whole expression, heartbroken was just so overly dramatic, but that's kind of how it feels. Like there's this huge aching whole in my life where he used to be.

Having said all of that, if you could, just like, think good thoughts for me or something. Because I need anything I can get right now.

The little things

I've always heard, that it's the little things that matter, that the little things are really the big things, etc. And it's not so much that I didn't believe it until a couple of years ago, I just don't think I understood it. I think for me, in a sense, it's easy to get the big things right, the things you're supposed to do, but those little moments, those little things, to me, that really show me that people care. Take today. I had to do a big presentation today and I was really nervous about it, so before my class E came out and hung out with me, to keep from being as nervous. And when she had to go, she turned back when she was leaving and wished me good luck. And it's such a little thing, but I really, really knew in that moment that I mean something to her. The little things make all the difference.

Snow day

We got our first snow today. And I've been dreading it since they started talking about. When I was sitting in class and heard about the snow, it put me in a really bad mood. And then, after class when I walked outside it was just so, so beautiful, at that exact moment, it almost made me want to cry. I felt so lucky to be alive, to be in that exact spot at that exact time, to be able to see it. It was really amazing.

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss

I was reading on another blog (http://www.jessicafulkerson.blogspot.com/) about out regret and it got me thinking about my regrets.

There are certainly things I wish I'd done differently in my life, things I regret. I wish I'd been nicer to my mom when I was growing up. I wish I hadn't trusted the wrong people and gotten my heart broken. I wish I didn't feel like I'd wasted years of my life. But I don't know if I'd be better off, if I was able to go back and change them all. I mean, as much as these things make me sad, and they do make me sad, in a really big, aching way, my life doesn't suck now. I'm pretty wabi sabi, all happy and sad mixed together, and if I did things differently, I wouldn't have ended up here. I wouldn't have the same friends. I wouldn't have the same relationships. I don't know that my life would be worse, it could be better, even, but it would undoubtedly be different. I wouldn't trade what I have for the chance at better. I'm not even sure I'd trade what I have for the guarantee of better.

Me

I've seen this floating around blogland, and since I don't have anything to say, really, I thought I'd fill it out.

2 names you go by
1. Waynette
2. Some friends of mine call me JR for some long forgotten reason

2 parts of your heritage
1. Irish
2. Scottish

2 things that scare you
1. being trapped
2. Something bad happening to the people I love

2 of your everyday essentials
1. my subway token necklace
2. my watch

2 things you are wearing right now
1. jeans
2. a tshirt from neighborhoodies.com

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
1. The Killers
2. the cast of Rent

2 favorite songs (at the moment)
1. Mr. Brightside-The Killers
2. Answer-Sarah McLachlan

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
1. Laughter
2. Security

2 truths
1. There's something I want really badly right now.
2. I'm afraid if I say it outloud it won't happen.

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex)
1. eyes
2. hands

2 of your favorite hobbies
1. photography
2. reading

2 things you want really badly
1. a job
2. more hours in my day

2 places you want to go on vacation
1. Italy
2. NYC

2 things you want to do before you die
1. have children
2 make peace with my demons

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude/chick
1. I have to keep my toenails painted
2. Pink is my favorite color

2 things you are thinking about now
1. I want to get my exit exam over
2. I hope I get a chance to talk to E today.

2 stores you shop at
1. Target
2. Urban Outfitters

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up

The thing that's been running through my head all morning is a quote from Grey's Anatomy, "When did we become grown ups? And how do we stop it?". My mom is in the hospital (she has pneumonia), and my dad's working, so I kind of have to be responsible for everything, and it's stressing me out more than it probably should. I should feel so ill equipped to take care of anyone, I barely take care of myself. Anyway, I'm off to finally take a shower so I can go back and check on her. I hope you're all having less stressful weekends than I am.

No day but today

I think I've already mentioned by love for Rent. I may have pointed out that my love is perhaps bordering on obsession. It might be, possibly, slightly out of proportion with the fact that, in the end, it's just a play. But I have it, this possibly insane, obsessive, true true love for it. I feel like I've been waiting for the movie to come out forever. The first time I saw the trailer on tv (after seeing it multiple times online and in the theater a couple of times) I jumped up and down. Because after waiting what feels like forever, I only have 20 more days left to wait. And then the movie will be out, it will be out there for me to see. And then, and this is the most exciting part, there will be a dvd. A dvd that I will be buying at midnight the day it's released, because I'm crazy. A dvd that I can watch every single day. Ain't love grand?

The exit exam wasn't so bad (except for the question on fractions. I don't do fractions) and it didn't take nearly as long as they said it would, so my day wasn't as bad as I thought it would.

I don't really have anything interesting to write about, so if you read this, take this as an opportunity to let me know you're out there. Ask me anything, and I promise to answer, honestly, and share as much as I feel comfortable with.

tired

I'm so tired today and it's one of those that's just going to get worse, step by step. I have to go do my mentoring in a bit, and then I have to take my first exit exam. And all I really want is a nap. Wah.