It's a hole that I'll never quite fill

So I decided a while ago that I would try to be a better person. I don't know why, it just seemed like it was time. I'm trying to be nicer, to be more patient, to not be so angry, to not swear all the freaking time (see, freaking, that's a big step up for me). Being a good person is really hard. And I'm not even actually trying to be a good person, I'm trying to be less of a bad person. Anyway, in my continued search for my better self I decided that I should talk to my exboyfriend so that he would that months later I see what an awful girlfriend I was and that I'm really very sorry. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea, why I didn't see that the only peron that that helps is me because I get to feel a little bit better about myself, because I get some kind of absolution or something, all the while being really selfish and asking someone who really, really shouldn't be making me feel better to make me all better. What can I say, I drink a lot, I probably killed the brain cells that would make that obvious (that is a lame attempt at humor, I don't actually need an intervention, though I can see why at this point it would be hard to tell), but once I started talking I finally figured that there wasn't anything that I could say that would make things better and felt like an even bigger jerk. I'm thinking this journey of self improvement should stop because I'm really much better at being awful, it seems.