Sweet and Toxic

Awhile I was at Urban Outfitters looking at tshirts, and I saw one I really liked. It was by Sweet and Toxic, it was green and had a rainbow and under it said happily ever right now and I just thought it was really, really cute. I was going to get it, but was kind of in a hurry, so I left and planned on going back to get it later. Except I forgot all about it. Then, I was watching One Tree Hill, and there was my shirt. And right after One Tree Hill, it showed on Veronica Mars. So, reminded of the shirt, my love renewed, I headed off to make it mine. Only the store was sold out. And didn't know if they'd be getting more in, ever. It was sold out online. So today, I made up my mind I was gong to find my shirt. I started randomly calling Urban Outfitter stores, starting with the ones closest to me and moving out. Finally, after calling at least ten stores with no luck, I found one. I think in Michigan somewhere, though I can't be certain, I talked to a lot of people. The important thing is, the shirt will be, tomorrow morning, starting it's journey to me. Or the important thing might be that I'm insane. Definitely one or the other.

Security blanket

I don't actually have a security blanket, never had one as a little kid (instead I had a baby pillow my mom brought home from Germany almost fifteen years before I was born because she knew she wanted to have a baby someday, and yes, it does still stay in my bed with me, no matter where I go), though I do have a few chenille throw blankets that have to be on top of the covers that I like to have right up against my face. And if you followed that sentence, you get a gold star.

This entry, though, has not a lot to actually do with blankets. I think that sometimes relationships can be a sort of security blanket. I'm not a huge relationship person, really, I don't have a lot of friends, which is kind of just a choice I made. I'm not a trusting person. I'm not an open person. Sharing, trusting, it all makes me really nervous. Trying to make connections with people, it's not something I feel secure in. But then, there comes a point in the relationship, assuming I stick it out, where I do feel secure in the relationship, where I stop doubting it, where I really trust that I'm not going to mess it up, and that point, that's really the best. My cousin K, I trust my relationship with her more than anything. I know, no matter what, she's always going to be in my life. It's complete and utter safety for me, totally security. I just recently got to point with my friend E where I trust it, where it doesn't freak me out any more. I can't even explain how great a feeling it is, though. I don't know that I'm making any sense, it's just something that's been on my mind for a few days and I thought I'd try to share it.

What makes you feel secure?

The waiting game

I hate waiting. I know that this isn't a unique thing, very few people I know like waiting. I'm just not a terribly patient person. I love shopping online, because the selection is always better and I can shop at 2 in the morning in my pajamas, but I always wish the stuff could just be like, teleported to me so I could have it (and people complain about the price of shipping now, imagine what that would cost). I hate going to Walmart because it always takes at least 20 minutes to check out and I hate waiting in line. I hate waiting for things to dry, or waiting for things to cook. I hate waiting for movies to come out, I hate waiting a week between episodes of Grey's Anatomy and House and Veronica Mars.

Other times, waiting makes me nervous. After I take a test, especially if I don't think I did well, I freak out waiting to get it back. Whenever I make a phone call or send an email that makes me slightly nervous, I get all anxious waiting for the response, if I fear what it might be.

I'm just not a wait and see kind of girl.

Token of my affection

I have a necklace that I wear, not every single day, but more often than not. It's a NYC subway token, not an actual subway token, but a gold copy of a token, made when they decided to stop using tokens in the subway. I never wear gold anything, I'm a silver girl, through and through, yet I bought this necklace anyway, because it's like a romanticized piece of NYC. And I love this necklace, more than any other piece of jewelry I own. When I put it on in the morning, I somehow feel like me. The necklace feels like me. I love that's is so simple and classic but it's also, I think, really unique, distinctive, I hope that it says something about me. I feel more like myself when I have it on.

And this feels, strangely, like one of the more personal things I've said here.

Good

It's amazing to me how much a good conversation can affect you. I'm not the most social person, I don't have a lot of friends (that's more a choice than a sign of how pathetic I am, really), I don't go out a lot. I think sometimes I forget how much I need other people, those connections. I had a couple of really good conversations yesterday with people I'm close to and right now I feel so good as a result of them, like they fed my soul. Starting off a Monday in a good mood? Who could have seen that one coming?

Normal day

I just wanted to share this quote I read on another blog (http://www.handlelifewithcare.com) because it's totally inspiring me right now:

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth or bury my face in the pillow or stretch myself taut or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. -Mary Jean Iron

My goal is to live more like that. To stop rushing through every day to get to what's next. To treasure every moment. To indulge in the ordinary. To recognize the magic of each day.

I'm going to be random today.

First, I got my paper finished yesterday. Such a relief, and I can enjoy the weekend without it hanging over my head now.

I watched my friend's little boy play soccer today. He's on a team of four and five year olds, and they were so cute and so much fun to watch, even though it was only 38 degrees outside.

I have all my pumpkins carved but one. I can't believe it's almost Halloween.

With that said, I think I'm going to go have lunch with my mom today, so I better get ready to head out. Hope you're all having great weekends.

Bad Timing

I feel like I'm suffering from a case of bad timing right now. In so many ways I'm ready to be done with school, the biggest one being I'm 23 years old and it's not so terribly socially acceptable for me to still an undergraduate. But I feel like I've just finally found my place there. The friends I have now, going to class and hanging out and everything....I'm finally getting that college experience and in a couple of months it will be over. I'm actually really sad that it took me this long to get to this place, only to have to go start over somewhere else. But in way, I think that's life, just when you've got something figured out, something changes. If it didn't, we wouldn't be pushed to move and grow. I just wish I'd had better timing.

Frustration, Incorporated

I haven't heard that song in years, but everytime I get really frustrated I think about it and get it stuck in my head. And I've been feeling really frustrated lately.

Screening calls is my number one frustration of the moment. It's not like I don't do it, I just only screen out like, telemarketers. My cousin J on the other hand, screens everybody. It gives me a complex, but he assures me it's nothing personal. But right now, I actually need to get ahold of him and of course I can't because he won't just answer the darn phone. Grr.

My cell phone is driving me crazy. It won't hold signal and it has this weird echo. This is the third nonworking phone T-Mobile has given me. So I called them yesterday and they said they'd send me another one. I don't want another phone, because it won't work either. I just want them to let me out of my contract so I can get a phone that does work.

My ipod seems to be dying. I got it for Christmas, so it should be fine, but it's acting all messed up. This is obviously not my week for electronic devices.

Well I'm off to work on my paper (I've got six pages now, so that's progess, right?). Going shopping after class today (the Gap and American Eagle, oh how I love you). Hope you're all having great, nonfrustrating days.

Mad World

I don't know if you know the song Mad World (I think it's my Tears for Fears, but that might not be right) but there is a line in it about how "the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". And that was certainly not true of me last night. Because last night (this morning actually, techinically, I guess) I had the scariest nightmare I can remember having. I don't have a lot of scary dreams, I tend to more often have nightmares that are just sad. But this one...it was fall, there was a river and I was swimming. And then I was struggling to keep my head above water, and it felt like it went on forever, just fighting and fighting and I finally I was starting to really drown and I woke up. And it was one of those dreams where you wake up sitting bolt upright, I was almost having a panic attack, my heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath. Scary stuff. I hope it's not a sign of how the day's going to be.

Under Pressure

I'm really stressed out this week. My 15-20 paper I need to graduate is due a week from today. And I have like, three pages as of now. And I don't even think I have enough material to get to 15 pages as of now. Cross your fingers.

Other things that stress me out: new relationships. I'm really, really bad at them. I'm like, superneurotic girl. I just always think I'm going to screw them up somehow. I'm sure that I'm so annoying to people. So you might cross your fingers on that count, too.

May fortune smile upon you

My friend E is taking the GRE tomorrow so if you read this, send out a prayer or a good wish or whatever you do for you because she's just the greatest and deserves the very, very best.

Sweater Weather

I thought it was appropriate to write my ode to fall tonight, since it's supposed to be 70 degrees again tomorrow and I won't be able to wear my sweaters, and since I had a carmel apple cider tonight at Borders (yummy!).

Fall is my favorite season. I love the clothes. I love scarves and jackets (I have this honey colored leather jacket from the gap that I bought like, four years ago on sale and it's my favorite thing ever). And I love, love, love sweaters. Sweater shopping is so hard and frustrating for me because I can't wear wool and so many lovely sweaters come in wool. But there is nothing better than finding a great sweater. I actually get distracted, watching tv sometimes, by the sweaters the characters are watching (Amy Abbot on everwood has a lot of great sweaters, if you were ever wondering).

I love walking outside when it's fall. Not to hot, not to cold, just right.

If only I could wear my flip flops, it would be the perfectest season ever.

Blah Blah Blah

Randomness:

I wanted to go see In Her Shoes today because I love the book, but the theater near my parents' house doesn't show afternoon movies any more. So I guess I'll wait until tomorrow and see it when I go back to school.

I have this really weird pain in my wrist that I can't even describe. It feels like something inside my arm hurts though and it's kind of freaking me out.

It's finally sweater weather. Sweater weather is my absolute favorite time of year. I love fall, so so much.

That's about it for today. I'm off the pumpkin patch with my mom this afternoon. Happy fall.

The infinite Sadness

I've been slacking on the blog lately. Though I don't think anybody reads it, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

My great uncle died last week. It wasn't particularly sudden, or unexpected, he'd been battling lung cancer. For some reason though, I never told him how much I loved him. I mean, I know that he knew I loved him. I just could never explain to him how much I loved him. And that makes me so, so terribly sad. I hope that somehow he knows now, at least.