I feel, at the moment, like I have too many thoughts in my head, so if this is rambling, sorry. I have issues sometimes, putting myself out there here. It's really easy to talk about how much I love Prison Break (so much!) or the Weepies (ditto) but not so easy to talk about the stuff that really matters (not that Prison Break doesn't matter, because I really think it does. Also, Wentworth Miller is very, very pretty). Part of it is because it involves my family, and my family (well, one half of my family anyway) is really, very private. And that has spilled over onto me, all their secrets became mine even though I never agreed to keep them. I've really struggled with that the last few years, honestly it just weighs me down sometimes.
I've been joking for the last few months that I was trying to be nicer for Lent. In reality, I just made this choice, to try to be a nicer person. I can be very kind and sweet and loving to the people I like, but I'm kind of awful to everybody else, at least some of the time. I can be really warm around the people I love, but I don't think I'm really a warm person. Anyway, I'm not sure the being nicer thing is really working out, but I'm trying.
All this leads me to the point of this entry, though I feel like I've been circling around it for ages without actually landing . I have a great aunt who just recently moved to my town to live in the nursing home after a year or more of a lot of drama in her life (which I don't feel comfortable sharing, because that's my story). And I know that the nice person thing to do is go see her because she's had an awful time and I'm sure she's lonely and there are a million other reasons to go. But I don't want to. Because my whole life, this woman has been awful to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, she never like, abused me or anything, she was just mean to me (not just me, either, my cousins too, and actually, probably, every little kid she ever came across. The woman was not child friendly). I just...I don't know. If I was the person I'd like to be, I'd go. I'd forgive her for things that happened years ago and feel sorry for her and go. But since I'm me...I don't go. And I don't even really feel bad about it, and that's what worries me. I'd like to not be that cold.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I think I had that same aunt. Hateful is a good word to describe it. I also have a set of grandparents like that, and I used to write "return to sender" on the Christmas and birthday cards they sent me, even though there was money in them. Don't feel bad, or like you're being cold - look at it as giving yourself more time to spend with the people who *do* care about you.
Sorry if this sounds like a mommy lecture.. =)
Gosh Sara is beginning to sound like me! Heehee!
I agree with Sara...don't worry about not seeing your aunt and don't feel guilty.
I personally try to treat people like I want to be treated. That is my philosophy in life. Your aunt treated you terrible and now she's getting the same treatment. It's not a bad thing...you can't love mean people. Or at least, I can't.
What goes around come around! Maybe your aunt will reflect on her life and realize she wasn't a very nice person!
But I say don't feel guilty!
Ok, so I should also say that I try to treat everyone with love first and it they don't love me back well then it's their problem and I just don't waste my time on people who aren't nice back.
I was raised with a deacon as a father and upon re-reading my first comment...it didn't sound nice.
I know the whole turn the other cheek sermon but you can only turn the other cheek for so long before bad treatment starts to effect your mental and emotional health.
So there...the end!
I'm going to sound catty saying this, but I think nice is overrated. Really. I think we should treat people as we'd like to be treated....and when others don't do the same, karma has a way of showing them what that is like. I think that you have to do whatever you know you are capable of--and comfortable with. And if others aren't ok with that, well, that's their issue. Hang in there :)
You can't forgive someone who hasn't asked to be forgiven. Don't feel guilty. That would imply that YOU had done something wrong! What you may likely feel is sad for her wasted time and the love she COULD have had while here and now, it is too late! Visit her if you feel like it, but don't expect to forget that you don't particularly like her. And, why should you like her? It is just sad, that's all. People that waste their time on earth are just foolish. Dont YOU waste time regretting the "could have been". Spend your time making the rest of your life worthwhile.
Post a Comment