That's just who I am this week.

I feel, at the moment, like I have too many thoughts in my head, so if this is rambling, sorry. I have issues sometimes, putting myself out there here. It's really easy to talk about how much I love Prison Break (so much!) or the Weepies (ditto) but not so easy to talk about the stuff that really matters (not that Prison Break doesn't matter, because I really think it does. Also, Wentworth Miller is very, very pretty). Part of it is because it involves my family, and my family (well, one half of my family anyway) is really, very private. And that has spilled over onto me, all their secrets became mine even though I never agreed to keep them. I've really struggled with that the last few years, honestly it just weighs me down sometimes.

I've been joking for the last few months that I was trying to be nicer for Lent. In reality, I just made this choice, to try to be a nicer person. I can be very kind and sweet and loving to the people I like, but I'm kind of awful to everybody else, at least some of the time. I can be really warm around the people I love, but I don't think I'm really a warm person. Anyway, I'm not sure the being nicer thing is really working out, but I'm trying.

All this leads me to the point of this entry, though I feel like I've been circling around it for ages without actually landing . I have a great aunt who just recently moved to my town to live in the nursing home after a year or more of a lot of drama in her life (which I don't feel comfortable sharing, because that's my story). And I know that the nice person thing to do is go see her because she's had an awful time and I'm sure she's lonely and there are a million other reasons to go. But I don't want to. Because my whole life, this woman has been awful to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, she never like, abused me or anything, she was just mean to me (not just me, either, my cousins too, and actually, probably, every little kid she ever came across. The woman was not child friendly). I just...I don't know. If I was the person I'd like to be, I'd go. I'd forgive her for things that happened years ago and feel sorry for her and go. But since I'm me...I don't go. And I don't even really feel bad about it, and that's what worries me. I'd like to not be that cold.

Artsy

Since I got my camera, I've been trying to learn how to take better pictures. It's sort of a one step forward, twenty steps back thing, for everything I learn and manage to remember, there seem to be a dozen I forget about. Or stuff I don't exactly forget forever, but forget to do in the moment.

Anyway, I took this picture last night (don't worry, I wasn't driving) and it pretty much turned out exactly how I wanted it to. So, happiness. 

Quickly

Going out of town (shopping today, yay!) so I though I would leave you with a link to my twopeas gallery: http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/userprofile.asp?user_id=105904

Happy friday!

Meme

I got this from one of the girls who shops at the same scrapbook store as I do, Kris.

Five minutes to yourself:
I'd paint my toenails.

Five bucks to spend right now:
I'd like to say I'd work on paying off my camera, but I think I'd probably buy more cheap flip flops.

Five items in your house you could part with, right now, that you hadn't thought of already?
Old clothes, books I'll never read, hair stuff I'll never use, some of my old playstation games, computer programs I don't use any more

Five items you absolutely, positively could never part with in your house?
My camera, a pair of flip flops, my computer, tv, and a copy of either the Lovely Bones or the Time Travelers Wife.

Five words you love?
Discombobulated is my favorite word...i don't know about the others...

Things

In no particular order:

• I'm obsessed with The Weepies cd right now. Can't stop listening to it. Good, good stuff there.
• I'm also obsessed with Prison Break. I think Wentworth Miller is my new George Clooney (not that I don't still love my old George Clooney) in that I'd watch him in anything.
• The layout I posted at 2peas got the most response of anything I've ever posted, which is cool, because I really love the page.
• My car has a flat tire. I knew my tires were getting bad, but put off getting new tires.
• I need help from all my bloggy readers, for a scrapbook page I'm doing. I need you all to describe me in one word. I promise I'll post the page when I get it done.

One cool {Ali} cat

I love this girlie. Miss Ali E. For so many reasons. First, because she's just one cool chica. Second, because she's so easy and fun to just hang out with. And third, because I've just learned so much from her.

I met Ali for the first time last summer and I've been in touch with her ever sense. I really believe in her whole philosophy about scrapbooking, embracing imperfection, not making things harder than they are, letting things go, it is okay. I'm really inspired by her.

I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). And I want to say right now, that I feel really lucky, because while I have it a lot worse than most people know, I know that it could be so, so much worse, and I am really grateful for that. And I met Ali at a time where I really needed to hear what she was saying, where it's really helped me a lot in fighting this disorder, as much as one can fight something like this (perhaps overcome is a better word). It is okay.

And I'm a little better, just from knowing her. 

freebies

I have an XL pink life artist shirt from Ali Edwards cafepress store that doesn't fit me. I contacted Cafepress and they're sending me the right shirt, so I'll send my shirt to the first person who askes for i. If nobody responds by Monday morning I'll give it to one of the girls I crop with Monday night. :)

I do my own stunts

There's so much I could talk about. I could talk about the pretty flowers that are getting ready to bloom in my front yard. Or I could talk about my job searching. Or I could talk about getting ready to go to Ali Edwards classes this weekend. Instead, I'll tell you my daily walmart story.

I was loading up the back of my SUV today after I got done shopping. I have one of those SUVs where the spare tire swings shut behind the back door thingy. So I got everything loaded and went to swing the tire closed and it didn't catch and swung back right into me. I kind of stumbled backwards (but didn't fall!) and started laughing. Then this other guy who was in the parking lot started laughing too. I should have taken a bow or something. 

24 on the 24th

Today is my birthday. I can remember being a little kid and feeling like there were two things that wouldn't come for forever. The year 2000, when I would graduate from high school, and turning 24 on the 24th which is totally magical, of course.

I've been really excited for my birthday all week (the presents!), so last night at midnight (this morning, actually, I guess) I had my little birthday cupcake. Tonight I'm having dinner with my parents and grandfather, Sunday I'm having a little party with some friends. Good stuff. 

Excitement

At least for me.

1) I got tickets to see Stars on Ice in July. We're going for my mom's birthday and Michelle Kwan is supposed to be there. I'm super excited, because she's my favorite skater.

2) Rent and Hairspray are coming this summer to this outdoor ampitheater that has musicals in the summer. Can't wait to get tickets.

Pretty good day, all in all.

What goes around comes around

I'm going to be in a circle journal group. I'm really excited about it. I was nervous, at first, about being in charge of the whole thing, but I don't think I've screwed up anything so far (granted, though, we haven't even really started yet, so it's probably too soon to tell). It's with a bunch of the girls from the forum for the scrapbook store I always go to. My theme is favorite quotes because I'm so obsessed with them. The other themes look like they're going to be super fun to do, too. I just need to get my book, I already have all the plans in my head.

Wapow!

The title comes from last night's episode of Love Monkey. I really like that show, though really, I think I would enjoy anything with Judy Greer and Tom Cavenagh.

Anyway, the reason for this entry...I got signed up for the classes Ali Edwards is teaching in Iowa in April. So excited about that. Wapow!

Not on

I'm such an awful blogger. I just don't feel like I have anything that interesting to talk about and I don't even know if anybody is actually reading this (though if you are, gold star for you!).

Anyway. It's snowing out. Which is odd, since I was wearing flip flops a week ago. Also, it can't snow right now. I'm supposed to go shopping Thursday. I have lunch plans for Friday. Snow is just not on.

I submitted to a scrapbook magazine for the first time in forever and it makes me super nervous even though I swore up and down I wouldn't get my hopes up. Ugh.

Random me

This is the current 2peas blog challenge. A good way to get me to update, at least.

1. Where were you born? I was actually born in the same tiny little town my parents still live in. A few years after I was born they closed the maternity ward, so I guess that's sort of interesting.

2. Name something you've always wanted to do. The thing I can remember wanting to do for the longest time is own a drum set. Other things I really want to do...learn to play the guitar, go to Ireland and Italy, become a better photographer

3. What do you want to be when you grow up? Happy. A mother.

4. What's the number one problem we face in the world today? I think maybe intolerance. There's just so much hatred and anger and focus on what makes us different when at the end of the day, I think we're actually pretty alike.

5. If you could change the world, what would you do? Erase poverty.

6. What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done? I don't know, I'm kind of a scaredy cat. Probably white water rafting.

7. Favorite word? Discombobulated.

Tag

I got tagged! I never get tagged, so I'm super excited.

The rules for this particular tagging are as follows: Remove the blog name in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add yourself to the bottom slot.

Traci
April
Shelby
Jill
Waynette

Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to.
I don't know that five people will see this...so if you do see it, consider yourself tagged

Here are the questions.
What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was 13...so I don't really remember. Probably something stupid and embarrassing.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was in class, I'm guessing

Five snacks you enjoy (in no particular order, as all snacks are created equal):
Orange lifesavers
Chex Mix
Pringles
Pretzels
Dibs

Five songs to which you KNOW all the lyrics:
I know the most random mix of songs...lots of broadway and 80s songs and so forth

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
Buy a beach house
Hire a maid
Pay off my parents bills
Go on vacations to everywhere I've always wanted to see
Fly to LA to hang out with my cousin and hopefully see some celebs

Five bad habits:
I'm always sitting on my feet so they fall asleep and then I'm mad because I hate that feeling
I bite my lips until they bleed
I fidget all the time
I stay up too late
I procrastinate

Five things you like doing:
Going to the movies
Taking pictures
Scrapbooking
Shopping
Playing games

Five things you would never wear, buy, or get again:
Denim shorts (I don't think anybody can pull those off after like, age 9)
Actually, shorts of any kind
snow boots-it doesn't matter how cute they are, I never end up wearing them
I'm sure there's more, but I can't really think of any right now

Five favorite toys:
I have no real toys I can think of~!

First time you got kissed: How was it? It was my grandparent's neighbor, and his name was Ben and we were probably like, 7.

First time you drove a car: What kind of car? I think the first car I drove was my dad's old truck, when I was like, 14. Though when I was little he used to let me sit on his lap and steer.

First time you scrapbooked: When you look at your page do you love it? I actually like my first page, even if it is the only Creative Memories page I ever did. It's not too CMy, I don't think.

First time you went on a date: Where did you go and with who? A school dance, I think. That or to the movies

First time you fell in love: How did you know? I don't know that ever really had that big, true love thing.

First time you cooked for someone: Was it yummy? What did you make? It was probably helping my dad cook. Or baking with my mom

First time you got on a plane: Where did you go Were you scared? I went to Florida when I was 4. I'm much more scared of flying now than I was then.

First time you shaved your legs: Did you cut yourself? I can't remember

First time you put on make up: Looking back how did you do? Did you look good or like a clown? I can't remember putting it on myself, but when I was a kid of my cousins put makeup on me and I looked like a hooker. Bright red lips, blue eyeshadow, hot pink blush.

First time you moved out of your home: Was it an apartment, house, etc? Into a dorm at the first college I went to. I only lived there for a couple of weeks though. Then I transferred colleges and lived in the dorms there for a year, then moved into the apartment I have now. I hope to be able to move into a condo when I get a job.

Frick!

I haven't updated in forever because I've been sick, but I think I'm slowly starting to get better. The holidays were very nice. The job search hasn't exactly gotten started yet (oops).

Really loved tonights Gilmore Girls and I'm so glad Scrubs is back!

Basic Grey Christmas Eve

I got up a few minutes ago and looked out the window and everything is grey and raining, and scrapbooker that I am, though hey, it's basic grey outside. I'm so darn clever.

Anyway, wherever you are, whatever you celebrate, I hope that you have the very best days.

I feel like I haven't posted here forever. I've been busy running around, doing errands, getting all the Christmasy stuff done. Tree is up and decorated, presents are all bought, mail has been sent out. I still have to wrap (I hate wrapping). I thought I would have a lazy, easy day today (and I have so far, I'm still not even dressed) but my mom called and wants me to run a couple of errands for her. Which means at some point I actually have to get dressed. So I can go to Borders and Target. I can never just go to Target, either, without wondering around and finding pretty stuff that I need. My life is so hard. ;)

There's beauty in the breakdown

I'm crying so hard as I write this but it's not a sad cry, for the first time in a long. I was talking to my friend E tonight and she asked me what my favorite class had been and I told her art history and explained why and got to talking all my art geek stuff. And I remembered the first time I ever saw a Van Gogh in person. And I started crying because it's just such a perfect, beautiful memory. And it made me remember so many other things, the first time I ever really painted, the first time I saw Rent, the first time I ever realized I could put words together and make them beautiful, the first I ever took a picture that was something more than just a snapshot, something special. All those things are tied up together in my mind, in some way. I'm not saying I'm ever going to be a great artist. I know I'm not that talented, and that's not like, a lack of self esteem talking, that's just reality. But the word is so full of beauty and for a little bit I forgot that. I couldn't see it through everything that was wrong with my life. But I remember now. She gave me the most amazing gift, because she gave all of that back to me. Because I can see it again, how beautiful the world is. And I know, I've always known, that as long as I can see that, I'm going to be just fine.

Shallow

Today I need to talk about my hair. See, I've been growing it out for almost a year now (I last got it cut in February or March, I can't remember). It's longer now than it's been since I was 15. And I'm really, really loving it. I love just being able to throw it in a ponytail when I'm at home working on stuff. I love that after years of saying I was going to grow it out I actually have. I love the way it looks. Seeing it there, around my shoulders, when I catch my reflection during the day makes me smile. Seeing people I haven't seen in a year and having them say, your hair is getting so long, makes me happy for the rest of the day. I've just really, really been enjoying my hair.

But today my hair doesn't look like my hair. It looks really, really nice, it looks better than my hair actually. I really like it. I just can't figure out what I did any differently, to be blessed with like, an exceptionally good hair day.

And there's not an actual point to any of this. I just wanted to talk about my hair. So if you read all of my boring ramblings, gold star for you!